How to be a better person in 2016

I really want to be a better person in 2016. Well, anyway, I want to try. For the year, anyway. If it doesn’t work out, I can always revert to being my old asshole self in 2017.

To that end, here are my resolutions for 2017:

1. I will not eat the last piece of pie without asking first. Someone other than the dog, I mean.
2. No more wine in the shower before noon.
3. I will make sure all of the windows are rolled up before I curse other drivers.
4. No more troubleshooting electronics in the hot tub.
5. I will strive to remember the names of my dogs, and which one is which.
7. I will not use the “I forgot” excuse unless I really have forgotten.
8. I forgot what #6 was.
9. I will limit the number of times I ask people to attend my plays. To, say, 300. Each. Per play.
10. I need an easy one, so:   I will blog more in 2016 than 2015.
11. I will limit the number of times I blog about each play. To, say, 300.
12. #9 does not apply to #11.
13. No more making resolutions that require absolutely no effort on my part.
14. I will analyze #13 to determine if its is self-fulfilling, self-defeating, or both.
15. I will not count down the days until retirement until (a) it is under 1,000 and (b) I actually know when I can retire.
16. I will buy only winning lottery tickets.
17. I will not count not buying yet another camera as “saving money.”
18. No longer will I count drinking 1 glass of red wine as doing my daily workout. Or drinking an entire bottle as the workout for the entire week.
19. I will save time, ink,and paper by not even writing “1 hour workout” on my daily to-do list.
20. In lieu of creating unnecessary daily to-do lists, I will save  more ink, time, and paper by writing “see yesterday’s to-do list.”
21. See last year’s resolutions.